Today came with a prolonged period of sadness that hit me with feelings of distance within my heart not only with myself, but with others. Prolonged periods of sadness that have ironically and periodically shown its patterns to me with where I continued with a blind eye over the years. I beat myself up and asked myself “How could I have not seen this? How could I have ignored this? Where is this going to leave me now knowing what I know”? I even asked myself if I knew who I truly was.
That’s when I said to myself, “You are the issue. You cannot control others’ perceptions, thoughts, or views”. I have been used. I have been made fun of and judged for not only my appearance but also by the love I have given to others. I was shot back at with the energies of jealousy and gossip behind my back thinking I would never know or find out. Not all secrets are safe especially seen when one thinks they are blind. I could still hear and feel. I saw the signs and I ignored them thinking I was loved. Thinking I meant something only to find that my knowledge and vitality were being taken advantage of at the expense of diffidence and laziness.
I created a reality to keep me safe and away from all the negativity because I could not take what was being thrown at me. I became the Scarlet Witch, not knowing how much power I withheld. Throughout my pain and suffering all I knew was loss. All I knew was the jealousy and untrue accusations that I was told anytime I wanted better for myself. The judgement would haunt me, and I would blame others for keeping me where I was. The issue started with me. I just wanted to be loved. I never loved myself the way I should have and should have never let anyone who does not or will not love me like the way I love myself now into my life, let alone stay.
I learned that the forms of love we were coerced or brainwashed into believing through co-dependent behaviors is not the norm anymore. Lies, jealousy, judgement, and unkind words (spoken or unspoken) are not going to stay. As always people will show you who they are by the words they speak and the actions they take. I learned a valuable lesson that I need not take responsibility for things that are not mine to deal with and that includes the words and actions that are used to treat others so negatively. As I have outgrown and learned the lessons that have made me who I am today. I am eternally grateful for everything. For the first time I’m in love with who I am.